feel free to ignore this one

This post is simply to expel a certain amount of lividity from my system. I get like this from time to time and realise it is proof that I am not a nice person, and mostly I just accept that I am not as decent a human being as I should be and shut up, but I have a great desire for a really nice festive season and this is poisoning it for me so I am venting.

There are two causes, but they have both led to the same result. I feel small and evil and unworthy of sharing any seasonal happiness.

The first is Christmas cards. I love it when friends send me cards and letters and emails and almost anything. That is because they are friends. The symbols on the front are messages of who they are, so anything goes. When a government or NGO or other cohate body sends me a pretty Christmas tree on a card if they are a church or otehr religious body, I can accept the fact that they were doing the nice-thought thing in a proper corporate way. When they are not a religious body, then the religious symbolism prickles and makes me feel very small and non-existent. I have been told in two separate fora that it is not decent to feel this way and that somehow I am a lesser human being for hurting when say a left-wing body I have done voluntary stuff for sends me a wreath of holly and a Christmas tree on a card. What is really funny, is in one of the fora the person inquiring about the images was doing it to ascertain how people actually feel, not how they ought to cos they are proper and good human beings. She got told by more than one person that it mattered how people *should* feel, not how they *did* feel. She didn't fall for that sentiment, but I did. It makes me not belong. I am not a good person to know because symbols hurt me.

Then there is the ACT Christmas thingie. Jon Stanhope's writer has decided to be thankful that there is no violent racism in the ACT. (I know it is not Jon personally 'cos we have talked about it twice and because he has a really good Legislative Assembly impromptu speech where het gets very passsionate against it.) We should feel good cos no-one lives in fear. Bully for him or her, but I m afraid the statement excludes me, even more than the Christmas card thing. I am not stupid: I don't want to live in fear. But I do live in fear. In fear and in the ACT. Saying no-one does won't make it go away. I wish it would.

The ACT has a small history of violent anti-Semitism. Every single Jewish community function needs full security. Thrree separate molotov cocktail incidents have led to an inordinate amount of building repair in recent years and we have only just become confident enough that we can do a Food Fair without feeling that we are jeopardising people. If there is no racism in the ACT, ACT Jews don't exist. Or we don't belong enough to be counted. And that is why I ranted - this is not a season when anyone should feel they don't belong and don't exist.

I don't belong and I am not allowed to feel an irrational hurt when an institution sends me a card with Christian symbolism on it. Thanks for the votes of support, oh wider Australian public.

I am sorry to have inflicted this on you, but I did feel better for writing it out. I can now return to normality.

The rant is done. I can put the ick feeling behind me and join everyone else for what is a really good season. I will have Christmas eve with Donna and Christmas Day with Lesley and Chanukah with my sister. I have Christmas presents for everyone who needs them and Chanukah presents for everyone who needs *them*. And I have the family recipe Jewish Christmas pudding in my refrigerator, waiting for my sister to try. There is enough for us and for about three other people, so give me a hoy if you want to join the Great Culinary Experience.

coffee-joy

My day has been entirely and miraculously and wonderfully redeemed. Thank you exp_err!!!

I have placed 4 pound bags of Community Coffee strategically round my flat so I can purr in contentment as I tidy the place up. And one of the bags is Louisiana coffee/chicory mix.

Community Coffee and I have a small history. My publisher introduced the brand to me when we talked about Louisiana local dishes. She introduced me to Community Coffee and to Dirty Rice and to certain drinks containing large amounts of alcohol. The drinks could not be put in the post but I always wondered what AQIS made of the parcel containing the dirty rice.

When I got to the US for my book tour, I quickly discovered that the coffee/chicory was perfect to quietly orient myself between bookshop visits and things. It had an immediate soothing effect on me, like a good old-fashioned pot of tea. I kept coming back to it, quietly, in between forays to do signings and talks.

When I sent friends coffee after the hurricanes hit them I made sure that coffee/chicory was in that parcel. Not any coffee/chicory mix, specifically Community Coffee. And knowing I have it and getting it in such a wonderful surprise parcel has reminded me that lots of symbols are very powerful for me - and that some symbols are powerful good. Whatever caused my balance to be so far from normal earlier is now replaced by a sense of the world being very right.

What is really funny about this is that exp_err ordered the coffee two months ago. It just happened to arrive at the ideal moment.

I promise, I will open a packet for Chanukah, so everyone who can get to my place on 29 December (and all my LJ friends are invited - email me privately if you need details) can also enjoy it. Not the chicory one, though. That is my special coffee. My version of Linus' blanket.