(no subject)

One of the first things I do when I get in after teaching is kick off my shoes. My toes like to wriggle. Anyhow, today I completely forgot. Why? Because of the gorgeous blue-green socks girliejones just sent me as a belated birthday present. My toes were so comfortable they forgot all about wriggling. Thank you, GJ!

Montez Deux

6. Remember that faint heart never won fair lady yet, and that, therefore, you must push your suit with the determination and vehemence of an army of soldiers storming a fort. Women like men of courage, therefore you should entertain the lady you would win with a narration of the number of men you have knocked down, at balls and bar-rooms, who had the temerity to cross your path. Be sure that you always make yourself the hero of some scrape, for, notwithstanding the ladies will readily know that you are telling lies all the time, yet you show that you have a taste for fighting, and that you really possess all the attributes of a hero but the more brutal part of it,-courage.

7. Remember that we do not like men for the merit we may discover in them, so much as for that they can find in us; therefore be sure that no man out-fawns you in the attentions paid to the woman of your choice. Let your compliments be of so marked a character that there can be no mistaking them. For instance, you may ask her if she is always particular to shut her eyes on retiring to bed? She will ask why? And you will answer, Because if you, do not I fear that the brightness of your eyes will burn holes in the blanket or set the house afire!! This kind of compliment is of the most delicate nature, and will be certain to impress the lady, especially if she is a person of sense, with the sincerity and purity of your intentions.

8. You cannot be too attentive to your dress. You should never approach a lady except when dressed so as to look precisely as though a tailor had made you. not more than fifteen minutes before. Be careful that your figure is consnlted in the color and fit of your garments. If you are tall and lank, wear nothing but black, that you may" appear like a stick of black sealing-wax," which will impress the ladies with an idea. Of the adhesive quality of your nature. If you are short and dumpy, and " better made for rolling than for running," you will look particularly handsome in light or grey clothes, which will greatly enhance your fine rotundity. If your legs are small and crooked, do not fail to have your pants cut to fit a little tighter than your skin, as this will show to great advantage the delicacy of your proportions, while, at the same time, it will familiarize a lady's eye to the sight of those disgusting spiders, which, otherwise, might cause great mischief by sudden frights. If you are wise, you will not fail to impress upon a lady's mind the idea that you are a great deal more particular about your clothes than your mind, for your mind, being always out of sight, can never offend her taste, whereas your clothes are constantly before her eyes.

9. On being introduced to a lady you will immediately inform her that you consider that the proper study of mankind is woman, and that Pope was therefore wrong when he asserted it to be man. You will proceed to say that you have made the sex your study so long that you find it impossible to withdraw your mind from a constant inspection of everything a lady says and does. This she will receive as a great compliment paid to her sex, while it will be particularly pleasing to her to know that she bas such a competent and vigilant spy upon all her actions.

10. If you are invited to dine, go at least an hour, or an hour and a half before the time, for then the lady will be sure never to forget you, as the attentive and polite gentleman who allowed her neither time to dress, nor to superintend her dinner. Or, if it is not convenient to go so long beforehand, you had best not go till twenty minutes, or half an hour after the time, and so keep the dinner waiting, for this will get the lady in the habit of thinking of you when you are absent, which is a great point gained in the progress of love. But, under no circumstances must you arrive at the place about five or ten minutes before the dinner hour, for should you do so, the lady will be reminded of the vulgar showman, who cries - "Be in time, be in time--just going to begin-be in time."

Montez en haut

11. Much depends on your conduct at the table; for ladies are very observant of all such little affairs. To give one a good idea of your gentility, take your napkin and tie it round your neck as a "bib," turn up your coat sleeves, and fall to, without paying any attention to the lady who sits next you, for ladies like not to be disturbed at meals. To show that yon relish your food, let your mastication be quite audible, and when you drink to a lady, say "here's luck," smack your lips, and cry "ha!" Nothing gives a lady a more exalted idea of a man than to see that he is fond of good eating and drinking.

12. When you call upon a lady be sure that you say something smart, and make some local hit applicable to herself. For instance, if you perceive that she has a cough, you can say that you are sorry to hear that, as you fear it may lead to a coffin. Some such sublime joke as this will be sure to obtain you a favorable reception. Or you can entertain her, to a remarkable degree, by relating the number of your female friends who have died of consumption within a year, and you can wind up by quoting the following words of Moore:

"I never had a dear gazelle
To glad me with its mild blue eye,
But when it came to know me well
And love me, it was sure to die."

This will make her particularly anxious to be considered one of your" female friends."

13. If you invite a lady to go to the theatre, neglect not to leave her, and go out to drink with your male friends between each act, as this will show her that you have confidence that she can protect herself; and if you can fall asleep during the play, it will be a great thing for you, as it will show that you are too much interested in her to take any interest in the play; and, besides - she has the sweet privilege of imagining that you are dreaming of her. Nothing so fascinates a woman as to know that a gentleman dreams about her. Hence you will do well to always pretend that you dreamed of her, whether you did or not. No matter if she understands your falsehood, as she will be quite sure to do, for still she cannot help being flattered that you think so much of her that you will tell her falsehoods to please her.

14. It will be greatly to your advantage to entertain the lady you would win with an account of the number of women who are in love with you, and of the decided advances which they have made to you; for this will not only prove that you are a great favorite with the ladies, and a man of true honor, but it will convince her that she may have the honor of being enrolled in the same list, and of being praised in the same way, in the presence of your other female friends. This will greatly delight her, and yon need not be surprised if she testifies her admiration of your character by throwing her arms around your neck on the spot. And if afterwards you should hear of her having said that you ought to be hanged, you will, of course, understand that she wants to use her own lovely arms for the halter.

15. One of the most direct and sure ways to fascinate a lady, is to excite in her heart a spirit of rivalry, through jealousy. A common way of doing this is to get the daguerreotypes of your father's cook and chambermaid, and take them to your lady-love, and tell her that they are the likenesses of two very rich and highly respectable ladies who have for a long time persecuted you with their affections, and at last have had the indelicacy to send you their pictures, without any solicitation on your part whatever. This story will readily be believed, as everybody knows that rich and respectable ladies are in the habit of doing just such things, and it will certainly convince any lady that you are a prize worth having, especially as she foresees that she would have the pleasure of having her home filled with a cabinet of strange women's faces, which she could exhibit as the proud savage does the scalps her husband has taken from the heads of his enemies.